A little About Me, Where I've Been Hiding, And WHY

Feb 7, 20119 min read

Deviation Actions

Published: Feb 7, 2011

3.9K Views

It's been a long time, a very long time since
my last entry,
and this letter to you all right now is one
I've put off and put off
because I know writing it is going to be difficult.
I've always thought of you all as friends
as well as family,
and I'm writing to you now in need of a friend

Right before Christmas, Todd, my now ex husband,
told me he was leaving me.
He'd hooked up with an old high school girlfriend
on face book.
It wasn't a complete shock, we'd been having
problems a long time,
but nevertheless, the actual knowledge he was
leaving was a huge blow.
It was soon after that I ended up in the hospital
with pneumonia caused by COPD.

COPD is a lung disease that makes it hard to breathe.
It is caused by damage to the lungs over many years,
usually from smoking.
COPD is often a mix of three diseases: Chronic Bronchitis,
Emphysema, and asthma.
The air sacs in my lungs are damaged to where
they don't stretch enough for me to breathe properly,
some of them are completely collapsed.
My lungs can get aggravated by cool air, hot air,
allergens, dust, and worst
of all, by catching a common cold.
In 2010 I was hospitalized 6 times with pneumonia.

After Todd left, he agreed to pay the mortgage
and my car payment to help me, because I didn't
want to lose the house,
but with all my medical appointments and
prescriptions to fill...
lost it anyway, Todd moved back in and
I moved out...to be able to
get any help for myself at all, I had to
file a quit claim deed,
giving him complete ownership of the house
that I had so lovingly
helped him build and thought
I'd live the rest of my life in.
So, so far, I'd lost my health,
my husband, and my home.

I have 6 grandchildren, two of which were
2 and 4 the last time
I saw than, or spoke to them, or got to
feel their little arms
around my neck. Every weekend since
they were born, one or both
spent the night at grandma and grandpas house,
it became a ritual....
one that was suddenly and without warning
taken away February 14th 2010.
Of everything I've lost and had to learn
to live with and live without,
the loss of those two, my first grand babies,
has caused me
more hurt and more suffering than a
human heart should ever have to endure.
And I'm not enduring it well, not well at all.

I've lost my husband, my health, my home,
my beautiful granddaughters,
my job, my license, my car......and my sanity.

I'm on medications for breathing as well as
anti depressants and anti anxiety medication.
I can't really say it's helping a lot,
each new day brings more bad news
....each day I try to withdraw from
the hurt more and more.
And since becoming unemployed due to my illness,
I can no longer afford the care I need.
I've no money to see my doctors,
no money for my medications that are
slowly running out....the medications that
help me a live a bit longer

This isn't merely the pain of someone
who's lost another love.
This is the pain of someone who
has lost everything
and has nothing left to lose.......
life holds no hope for me any longer...
no meaning...I have nothing left...

I submitted a new piece called Bereft
a few months ago,
and I've been slowly working on a new piece...
I hope to finish it soon.

There is a measure of anguish that the human mind can accept;
beyond that, each new blow brings only numbness,
the hearts anesthesia,
for it can only tolerate a finite amount of anguish....

No matter what your religious beliefs or preferences,
pray for me please, send positive energy, light many candles.....
cause my will is gone....