,Last journal entry, I told about how much I
miss my grand daughters, and how desolate
I felt when their mom called and told me that
I'd never see them again......
Deep down, I know that's not true, because on
January 26th, after fighting hid ex in court for a year,
he got his parenting rights, it's court ordered that they
share in time sharing of the girls and all important decisions
and functions, he has access to their medical records and
school records.....he's legally been recognized as their
father....he got supervised visitation to begin with,
so the girls can establish a relationship with him,
which won't take long considering they cried for
him every weekend I saw them up until she took
them from me. What sucks is my son went to jail right
after that for violation of probation, he KNEW he was
going before the parenting rights were established,
and visitation court knew about it as well, he smoked
some weed new years eve and when he went to see
his probation officer at the end of the month, he tried
to use someone elses pee and got caught. His po told
him if he had of just told him he might be dirty he
wouldn't have violated him, but he didn't like the fact
that he tried to pull one over on him. He'll be out soon,
they're gonna give him drug rehab and when he's done
, he'll be free, no community control, no probation, no nothing
. He knows he fucked up.....he's been doing so good otherwise,
new years was the last time he smoked pot, he's been fishing
to earn money with his father, he hasn't caught another
charge in 5 years.....it's just him and the damn pot.
So basically, I know, that when he gets past the supervised
visitation, I WILL see them, because she can't tell him his
mother, their grandmother, can't see them....
it's just been so long.....a year is a long time to be ripped
away from 2 babies who you had a large hand in raising
....I can not put into words how much it hurts..I haven't
even heard their voices on the phone. No contact at all
...I have never, in my life, hurt like this...
I was put on anti depressants and anti anxiety
medication months ago because of everything...
but since I'm not working, I can't afford my anti depressants,
and stopped taking them cold turkey, which is a big no no,
and I now know why. I've been feeling sick because of
my lungs since I quit my job in December,and after I
stopped my anti depressants, getting out of bed in the
morning has been something I dread because my
depression is a million times worse since I'm coming
off the medication...all I've been able to think a
bout is slitting my wrists, to stop the hurt...
I made phone calls Friday. Got an appointment
with my pulminologist, finished my intake for my
social security attorney....called act corporation
and voluntarily checked myself in to the
Stewart Marchman / act facility in Daytona. Was there
all day for screening and was going to spend 24
hours there, but, they decided after talking to me
more than once, that even though I admitted to
suicidal thoughts, it was because I wanted help
more than I actually wanted to kill myself
( which is what I told them ) that if I felt like I was
in a safe environment (which I do) and felt comfortable,
I could come home. They called me the 14th
after my appointment with my pulminologist to make
an appointment to go to the New Smyrna facility
to speak with a doctor there and get myself back
on my anti depressants.
They said that what I did, going completely off my
anti anxiety meds and and anti depressants could
have been fatal. They said I feel so miserable
because I'm basically going through detox...
and have been going through it so long,
I'm almost in the clear.
I told her that all I wanted was help, and didn't know
where to go or what to do and up until today couldn't
concentrate very long or make the decisions I needed
to make to get the help I needed. She said she usuall
y doesn't offer to let clients leave like she did me and
didn't want me feel as though I was pushed out the
door. I said I didn't feel that way at all, that by speaking
to me I was sure she could tell that even though the
highest grade I'd completed was 7th grade, I wasn't
stupid and had a lot of common sense, and that by
my coming to their facility, I had succeeded in
setting the wheels in motion to get the help I needed
...she said yes, she could tell I wasn't stupid at all
and had tons of common sense.
She talked to my boyfriend and my sons girlfriend when they
picked me up, told them the plan for Monday and to
make sure that if the lady from act didn't call me to set
my appointment, that I called her, and that if they
noticed me doing anything or saying anything stupid,
they'd bring me back. She also had them sign a paper stating that.
I told her...if I were dead....I'd never see my
grand daughters again, and they mean
everything in the world to me and more.
But.....it's still so hard to wake up....it still hurts so bad
. I see Kristiona and Aleahs face in every child I see on
TV or in real life.....TV shows inadvertantly always have
something going on that brings back memories of
when I was whole....when I was happy....
The new meds DO seem to be helping, I almost
Feel like myself again.
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